Love potion conundrum
by Bangers and Mash
Summary: Exploration of the darker side of attraction, how far will one person go to get the person they want? Contains humor, bad plot and a tinsy winsy bit of smut.


_Chapter 1_

_Ron awoke with a start, his sheets slightly damp._

_Once again, he'd had his frequently recurring dream (or should he say nightmare?_ ) and he felt an acute sense of shame.

He'd been in the closet for some time now, he felt ashamed of what he was...who he loved.

This shame burned through him, the shame of his sexuality. Neville Longbottom plagued his thoughts, his actions and most of all his wanks. He was unnatural, a freak.

Ron was going the same way as his brother Percy, who was exiled from his family after being groomed by the minister. Would Ron end up in the same situation, all because of some idiot called Neville who he couldn't get his mind off.

He loved every bit of Neville, his endearing clumsiness to the way his front teeth were slightly overlapping. He had many a time dreamed of passionate kisses, ending with the briefest lick of his tongue along those teeth. Yet, he knew he was wrong. This attraction could not lead to anything worthwhile and no one wanted to become, as Ginny would say, "A Percy".

Who was Ginny trying to kid anyway, she was no saint...not by any stretch of the imagination. He'd caught her with her lips wrapped around Harry's penis. He couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if it was him kneeling down on the floor instead of her, looking up to the face of Neville. Ron was sure he'd be useless anyway, he'd choke on Neville's thick shaft and make a tit of himself. Wouldn't he? Or, would it be like a puzzle; Ron and Neville fitting together perfectly. As much as he was loathed to admit it, in the dead of night, he'd experimented with himself. All the time, while he slowly inserted a finger into his tight entrance and choked upon the sensation and the tears streaming down his face, he had thought of Neville.

Ron cried himself to sleep that night, crying over the forbidden love that wasn't meant to be. Then it struck him. It was approaching July...Neville's birthday. All he had to was slip him a love potion and some rohypnol and Neville would be his. How would he gather the ingredients? Hermione would surely see straight through him.

Could Ron do it alone? Was his love for Neville strong enough? Just the thought of Neville sent his Little Ron jolting to attention, and with this confirmation he knew he could. He dug out a potions textbook and found his muggle mans number, and he was ready. Neville would be his. He smiled to himself, humming one of Harry's muggle tunes ("Lets Get It On", by some musician called "Barry White") as he reached for his cauldron.

Ron knew each love potion was individually special to each person, a unique fragrance, texture and taste. Made all the more personal by the person brewing it. The potion bubbled wildly as his furiously beat out the final ingredient for his special declaration of love for Neville. "Soon" he thought to himself, he finished up and poured the potion into a vial, it was a brown colour, the shade of Neville's hair. Ron slept soundly that night, prepared the day ahead of him.

* * *

Chapter 2

Neville was tired, tired of explaining the concept of herbology to his parents. The nurse brought him a drink. Such a sweet child she thought here everyday to see his parents. Neville never gave up on them, telling them all the goings on in his life. Like the new center of his affections...Draco Malfoy.

Neville craved his attention but Malfoy only ever taunted and belittled him. But it didn't matter to Neville, any attention was some attention. That stupid Weasley boy usually got in the way anyway. Couldn't he see he was trying to catch Draco's eye.

Neville had discovered his sexuality a few years ago, and ever since he had become quite transfixed with the icy boy. However, nothing seemed to help with his conquest. He'd even gone as far as getting expensive hair products and some smarter shirts to catch Draco's attention, although every one of his efforts had been ignored. All he needed was an excuse to be close to him. A foolproof plan...

Neville remembered from last year, when that girl, Romilda Vane with the hydraulic knickers that were always up and down tried it with Harry. She had spiked some chocolates with love potion. Neville knew that Draco was used to the finer things in life. So he'd have to buy the most expensive chocolates from Honeydukes. He could almost taste Draco. He was tingling with excitement with at just the thought of this plan working. Neville packed his things and head straight to Hogsmeade.

Once the chocolates had been purchased, nearly clearing out his monthly savings in the process, he hurried to his dorm (knowing full well it would be deserted) and set up his cauldron. The potion was actually quite simple, even he could manage it. Although he felt his passion for Draco helped the whole thing. He stirred the potion round 3 times anti-clockwise, and added a strand of his own brunette hair. He added it to the chocolates with a syringe, and whispered to his invention: "Soon Draco, soon my darling."

Even Snape couldn't look over his abnormally large nose at this potion. Neville knew he had done it perfectly, it was the first time he brewed a potion with such passion. He was careful not to inject the chocolates with too much in case they exploded. For 30 galleons a pop Neville wasn't overly keen on the idea of destroying them. "Now for the delivery method" he thought to himself. He couldn't exactly walk up to Draco and hand him the chocolates. That would be stupid.

He'd get Crabbe or Goyle to do it since they never leave his side the lucky bastards. But how could he persuade them to do it? Surely they weren't stupid enough not to suspect anything...or eat the chocolates themselves. That was the one thing Neville did not want to happen...

Neville needed to think, so it was time for a trip down to his beloved greenhouses. He placed the chocolates carefully under his pillow, grabbed his leather jacket, and left. He ran down to his destination and gently carressed the petals of wild plants growing in the stuffy interior. His mind was full of Draco, his eyes, his hair, his bum...So much that he couldn't think.

Around half an hour later, he sloped back up to his dorm no closer to a solution than before he left. As he opened the door he screamed in anguish. There, lay upon his bed, naked and hard was Fred Weasley. The chocolate box lay empty on the floor.

Chapter 3

"Ouch!" Luna had just walked head first into a wall. She picked herself up and the Quibber sprawled out on the floor ignoring the laughs and cries of "loony loony lovegood" She looked up with her enchanted glasses and saw the nargles floating above their heads and thought "they won't sleep to well tonight" She made her way up to the common room with the Quibber held in front of her at an angle.

She'd overheard the strangest story in the Great hall earlier. That strange quiet boy who she thought was quite sweet was in the hospital wing. It seems an ex-pupil had tried to rape him in his own dormitory. "How horrible" she thought as she passed through the door into the common room. It was later than she first thought. There were people passed out on the couches and empty glasses everywhere. There was a party and she wasn't invited "typical" she thought to herself. Then she was nearly pushed back out of the open door as Ron Weasley came speeding past babbling something about a straw. She looked around and only saw one drink left on the table and thought she'd take seeing, as everyone was too drunk.

Luna lifted the warm glass up to her lips and drank it all in one. Her eyes widened slightly, as she flopped onto the sofa. Her face contorted into pure bliss, as she stared longingly into nothing. The only thought that ran through her head was how she had to share her body with everyone. Pleasure was now her main aim in life. She smiled and ran her hands down herself, enjoying the feel of her small breasts and her almost boy-like figure. Ron stormed back into the dorm, brandishing a straw, looking pleased with himself. He stopped and felt like his world was falling apart. Luna had drunk his beautiful concoction. He almost screamed at her "THAT WAS FOR NEVILLE!" when he remembered he was still in Narnia about his sexuality. He looked at Luna, as she stood up and took her shirt off. Yes, he was definitely gay.

Luna stood there her shadow dancing along the walls from the crackling fire behind her. Her and Ron were alone in the room. She brandished her wand and in seconds the rest of her clothes disintegrated. She never wanted to wear them again. She lunged at Ron arms outstretched, literally tearing his clothes off. "Luna what are you doing get off!" Ron panicked as Luna started pinning him down, with surprising strength for a girl her size. "Pertificous Totalus!" Ron was now paralyzed with his clothes half off in the face of his aggressor. She had madness in her eyes. Ron was powerless...he couldn't even scream.

Luna's eyes gleamed as she scanned Ron's now naked body.

"Oh Ronald, you have such lovely nipples!" She squarked, as she bit one. Hard. Ron wanted someone to come in, to save him from this monster he had accidently created. On the other hand, he was far too mortified by Luna trying to make him hard by squeezing his balls in the rhythm of what could possibly be Three Blind Mice to get discovered. He just lay there, as she tried to cast spells on his dick to make it erect. "ERECTO!" she cried, and she looked positively saddened that this didn't work. Even Ron knew this was a spell to set things up like tents. Luna slapped him, and shouted "WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME LET YOU ENJOY MY BODY!". She ran away, naked, into the corridors of Hogwarts.

Luna carried on running and running. The gasps of the students didn't phase her, even when Filch dropped Mrs Norris into a bucket without realising when he saw her run past. She burst through the main doors and ran towards the forbidden forest. Upset and frightened, she just wanted to be alone since nobody wanted her even when she handed herself to them on a silver plate. But something caught her eye. There was a light on in greenhouse 3. "That's strange she thought" as she approached the window. She did a double take. There was Neville Longbottom masturbating with a venomous tentacular tentacle up his backside, his face bright red. She looked at his rigid penis and smiled. "Pertificous Totalus!" Neville flopped to the ground, his penis almost propping him upwards. Luna with the lust newly enflamed, threw herself at Neville. She delicately slid herself down onto his pole. Her eyes widened. Neville was a lot bigger than she first thought.

Luna slammed herself up and down on Neville's flabby body. She gasped, and thought "This is even better than a big dildo!". She was just getting into the rhythm as the greenhouse door burst open. Fred Weasley ran to her, and threw

her off Neville. He growled at her "Longbottom is mine bitch!" as he impaled himself on Neville's still erect penis. Neville's last thought before he passed out was "Why me!".

* * *

Chapter 4

Draco was trying to drown out the noise. Crabbe and Goyle were laughing at this beaver they found near the lake which they beat to death, with a magical floating stick. They thought it was hilarious. "I have all this money and influence and yet I waste my time with these two inbreds" Draco sighed.

The only person Draco wanted to spend time was the last person his fellow Slytherin's would except. As much as every Slytherin fibre in his body wanted to reject it, he was fixated on that particular Gryffindor. He got up and left Crabbe and Goyle in fits off laughter, talking about what they did to the beaver afterwards... Draco was soon up on the seventh floor. Outside the room of requirement. "I need a place to meet my lover" A door materialised into the cold stone and opened. The man inside with jet black hair smiled. Sex aids adorned the walls. "About time Draco" There stood Harry Potter....stark naked.

Draco walked towards him, discarding his robes as he went. Already hard at the sight of his lover, he took no hesitation in throwing Harry down on the bed in the middle of the room. Harry smirked ("Undeniably a trait he's picked up from me!" Draco thought...) and bit Draco's neck. Hard. Draco groaned, and grabbed the lube.

"Accio!" said Harry. A shapely purple butt plug flew towards Harry. Draco had already conjoured some MagicGlide lubricant and was smearing it on the butt plug. "Brace yourself my lover" Harry said breathily in a west country accent.

"Draco shivered, what Harry did to him was more than magic. If he learned his actual magic skills from Dumbledore, he was beginning to wonder what the old man was like in the sack. Harry kissed his way down his body, and slowly licked the underside of his cock. Draco's eyes widened as he watched Harry take in his whole length, and begin to put his wonderful skills to the task. Draco laced his fingers through Harry's thick hair, growling as Harry did some amazing thing with his tongue to his bell-end. He soon felt his climax building, and he let Harry continue as his moans increased. With an almighty shudder his world burst into flames and he came. Harry swallowed every last drop. He pushed Harry down onto the bed, and bit his neck as hard as Harry had bitten his before Harry could form the words "No marks...".

* * *

Chapter 5

Harry gave Draco a parting kiss. It would be another week until he could meet up like this again. It was after dark and the prefects were out on patrol. He slung his invisibility cloak over his shoulders.

He proceeded onwards to his dorm with a skip in his step wondered if life could get any better. And then he saw her walking up to the astronomy tower. He tapped her on the shoulder she gasped and spun round. When she saw nothing she soon realised who it was. And in no time at all she was underneath the cloak in a passionate embrace with Harry. His zipper magically unfurling to reveal his broomstick, as Ginny called it.

She started sucking him off, and all he could think was "She's not as good as Draco." After around ten minutes of her most persistent efforts he felt his control slipping, and he soon came, crying her name as he did. He looked down at her and smiled, in time to see the tears begin to slip down her face. What did he do?! She didn't usually cry after this sort of thing..."HOW COULD YOU!" she screamed, clinging to the bottom of his trousers. He stared, still confused, when realisation began to dawn upon him. He hadn't cried _her_ name. He'd cried **Draco's** name. Shit.

Ginny wept uncontrollably into Harry's crotch. A mixture of sperm and tears stuck to the front of his trousers. But Harry was frozen to the spot. Ginny moved before he did. She ripped the invisibility cloak off and pointed her wand into his face panting furiously. "HARRY POTTER YOU CHEATING BASTARD!" There was a bang and a bright light, Harry flew backwards against the giant orrery at the top of the astronomy towers and hit his back hard on a miniature Uranus. Ginny was approaching at speed, she readied her wand, she was lusting for blood now instead.

Harry could not move, not because of a stunning spell, but sheerly the thought that he deserved it. He just lay there like a dead cat, or maybe a muggle garden gnome that had been knocked over. Oh Merlin, what a time to be thinking of garden gnomes! He almost smiled but at this point Ginny was nearing closer, and her eyes had started to shine. He sighed, he couldn't be arsed with her. She was awfully petty. He lazily pointed his wand at her and cast "Stupefy!", nothing too serious you have to understand. He grabbed his cloak, slung it over his shoulder in a nonchalant gesture, and said to her unconscious form "I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one." He walked off, a slight swagger to his step.

* * *

Chapter 6

Fred cringed. The sight before him wasn't a nice one. A small thin needle was protruding out of the nurses wand. Fred winced as it went in. "See that wasn't so bad was it", said the nurse smiling. "You can pull your trousers back up now" Fred pulled them up slowly, still slightly sore from the tests. "Well Mr Weasley, you'll have to wait five minutes while we process the results, please sit in the waiting area".

Fred moved into the doorway and sat down next to a familiar face. " Oh, 'ello there Fred. What you in 'ere for then?" boomed the Hogwarts gamekeeper Hagrid. "I was spiked with love potion and I may of caught an STD" Fred mumbled.

"Not through one of those self sucking sex socks I 'eard you're selling down at your shop?"

"Look Hagrid I'd rather not talk about it ok, what are you in here for anyway?" Fred enquired.

"Well..." Hagrid started twiddling his thumbs. "Let's just say I've been sticking my pink umbrella where I shouldn't a been, Gnomes....I'm a Gnomeaphilliac"

"You're a WHAT?!" Exclaimed Fred, the shock of this admission nearly helping him forget his painful groin.

"Ima...gnome fiddler...." Hagrid blushed at this, and he couldn't meet Fred's gaze. The Weasley concerned let out a low chortle, followed by a snort.

"That is quite possibly the best thing I've heard all week Hagrid mate." Fred was cut short of his merriment when the nurse bellowed out his name. He followed her back to her office, and sat down gingerly on the conjoured chair.

"Now Mr Weasley, I have some bad news. One of our extensive Sexual Ailments for Wizards, SAW for short love, tests have come back positive. I regret to inform you that you have a bad case of Rare Incendio Member, RIM for short love, which is known to be received from having sexual contact with the venomous tentacular plant. Take these two potions,

Take these two potions, one swig every meal time. You'll be right as rain in a few months."

Fred made his way to the exit. "Hey Hagrid, make sure you're wearing protection when screwing those gnomes!" And he walked out of the room. Leaving a bright red Hagrid to endure the gazes and sneers of the fellow outpatients. Even the short wizard in the corner who had apparently "fallen off his broomstick and come down on it awkwardly" tutted in disappointment.

Fred was making his way to a fireplace with some floo powder clenched in his right hand. He could apparate fine, in fact he loved it. But the nurse had told him spatial magic compression in any shape or form wasn't advised when suffering from RIM. Fred wasn't going to argue with SAW specialists and he didn't feel up for apparating anyway. Not when it felt like his little wand downstairs was belching dragon fire.

He arrived in his messy flat, and sighed. Fred was in favour of having many lovers, especially at the same time, but now because of his RIM he would no longer be able to entertain witches and wizards in his chamber. He cast a Scrougify spell at the pile of dirty dishes, and hovered it into the cupboards. He was picking up a dirty cup from his coffee table, as he heard a muttered "Hi Fred". He dropped the cup, and it smashed on the hard wood floor. "Erg fuck me Ron, don't surprise me like that!" Ronald blushed, more so than before, and apologized.

"Never mind bro" Fred sighed, as he repaired the mug. "So what can I do for you this lovely afternoon?"

"I want to know what your intentions are with Neville, Fred." Fred coughed, embarrassed that people knew about his drugging...and semi rape...of that chubby Longbottom boy.

"Nothing Ron, don't get your knickers in a twist, i'm not going to poach your...friend."

"He's JUST a friend Fred! I'm not a sick bastard like you!"

Fred smiled, used to this harsh behaviour. "Well bro, at least i'm not stuck in the closet eh?"

Ron went bright red. Fred knew it was true. It was a Weasley family trait to go bright red when embarrassed. "Alright look Ron, I'm not pleased about this either. Your portly little sweetheart was diseased. I can't have sex or apparate for at least a month. I'll to walk around like some celibate muggle, a bit like yourself at the moment, don't you agree?"

"Well you know what!...Fuck you Fred! I don't care if you were drugged or not, you still fucked him. You even wrestled Luna off of him! So much for family first you bastard!" And with that Ron swept his hand across the table and smashed the contents that had just been repaired and stormed out. Fred sighed to himself.

"Why did I have to be born into such a sexually promiscuous family..."

* * *

Chapter 7

Ron was sat at the Gryffindor table wolfing down his third helping of trifle. Hermione was looking at him with contempt while Ginny was moaning about Harry not loving her anymore. Ron could spy Harry and Draco on the other side of the room feeding each other chocolate cake, you'd think that they could feed themselves...but you never know these days. Maybe Ginny accidently gave Harry a SAW. Draco probably gave himself one.

Neville was sat opposite from him, downing an unmarked potion and looking beautiful as ever. Ron wanted him so badly it hurt. Neville looked up and met his eyes, winking as he did. Ron accidently spooned his trifle into his chin. He hoped Neville liked trifle too, they could have amazing sex and smother each other in it. He'd overheard Harry telling Dean Thomas that deserts in the bedroom could be extreme fun.

Ron dreamt that any sex with Neville would be amazing regardless of what foodstuffs were involved in the act of animalistic love making.

When Ron came out of his trance Neville had moved from his spot. Ron carried on shovelling down the trifle disheartened. When he heard someone clumsily sit down next to him. Ron nearly spewed his trifle everywhere. No doubt Hermione would complain if he did...it only meant more cleaning for the elves. But Ron had a different S.P.E.W in mind. Neville looked quite nervous. He stuttured "Ron...I..I want you to know…that, I d-don't have any feelings for your brother"

Ron blushed, as usual. Damn! If only he didn't resemble a SAW infected willy whenever Neville spoke to him, he might have a chance with his silent gardener. Neville could pull his weeds anyday.

"It's...ok Neville. I know."

"Good...because I didn't want it to jeopardise our...fffriendship Ron!"

"Friendship?" Ron made a weird noise, and sounded like he was sobbing and growling at the same time. Hermione glared at him even more.

"Well... T...that's it isn't it? Or...is it...m..m..more?"

Ron made that weird noise again, Hermione left the table to go sit with Harry and Draco.

"Neville...there's something I needed to tell you."

"What Ron?" Ron visibly swallowed, and whispered "I'm...gay"

"Speak up! I can't hear you!"

Ron sighed, frustrated with the lack of movement in this conversation.

"I'M HOMOSEXUAL!" He yelled at the top of his voice, just as the great hall went silent.

Nobody dared breathe. The chocolate cake Draco was feeding to Harry had fallen off its fork. Ron face was approaching dangerous levels of red. Neville had somehow managed to dissolve under the table. All eyes were fixated on Ron. Nobody had moved for a good 5 minutes now. Then something started to stir at the top table at the end of the hall. Dumbledore had stood up. A great smile filled with pride on his, the smile they last saw when they stopped You know who from getting the Philosophers stone in their first year. He started clapping. Soon the rest of the school joined in. Then whooping followed by rapturous applause and cheering. With a chorus of "It's ok to be gay" and "Who needs to stick their wand in a wizard's sleeve anyway" Ron sat there not knowing what to do in this situation. So he carried on eating his trifle.

Neville stroked his knee from his spot under the table, and Ron knew that life was good. He squinted at the end of the hall, just in time to see Harry and Draco sneaking out of the doors...He wondered when they'd become such good friends. Ginny burst into tears and knocked over her glass. Neville finally slid up next to Ron, and gave him a pearly grin (Ron's heart almost stopped!).

Neville put his arm round Ron, and whispered in his ear: "I may not be a chaser, and you may not be a quaffle...but I'm going to score with you tonight".

Ron flopped backwards, the biggest look of satisfaction on his face since he'd dreamed of getting a blowjob from a teacher with a certain silky, sexy voice. He passed out, knowing that life wasn't just good. It was bloody brilliant.


End file.
